Recent Events and Closure

Hello! I am in a much better place today than I was the other day. I was feeling bad and upset about the events of Lancaster. However, some recent events have shown me (and Jenn) that this whole thing is so stupid! We are letting a stupid band run our thoughts 24 hours a day. It's over. We have both seen the light and we have both reached closure.

We started doing this whole thing because we were in love with the music. That developed a love for the band and a love for their concerts. However, over the years we grew to love their music less and less. But we kept going to the shows because they were fun. The most recent shows though, Since late 2010, haven't been fun. We haven't been going to them because we enjoyed them. It was more of a competition....  Just to see what we could make happen that night. We left more shows unhappy than happy. I honestly don't know why we did that to ourselves for as long as we did.

We go to Chevelle shows, and 10 years shows, and HURT shows, and Janus shows, and MCR shows for THE SHOW. I genuinely am so in love with every single part of their music and sound. Their words mean something to me. I'm not overwhelmed by meaningless messages. I got so sick of SP trying to give me a sad story message. It always had to be you're an outcast, things will get better, one day you won't be bullied......blah blah blah. I enjoy seeing bands when I connect with their music. I don't think I've ever left a Chevelle crying for any reason other than their words affected me in some way.

I'm just sad it took this long to have this realization. I shouldn't have ever made myself feel bad for something that I have felt for years. Next summer will be spent following those other bands I am actually in love with. Its going to be exciting and not a sick contest with no one other than myself.

Back to Real Life

Hey it's Amanda (the one who's done). So, summer is official a memory and life has started again. Jennifer left me and moved to Nashville for college and I started my second year of teaching. This year is by far a thousand times better than last year. I absolutely love my kids and they are all used to me now, so we get along a lot better! I am busy all of the time. I don't even have time to think. I only get to see the hubby one night a week between his work and classes, but I do try to ride a long with him every weekend. It's been weird not seeing Jenn everyday. We don't talk as often because we are both so busy but we try to talk whenever possible. I guess the good thing about that is that we don't have a chance to over analyze any stuff right now. That's basically all we do when we are together anyway.

This summer changed my life. I try not to be dramatic about it, but I honestly think about our little mini "tour" to the Northeast every day. We had so much fun going to Boston and NYC and discovering new places and things, but at the same time sad memories about the same trip just seem to overwhelm the good. I regret starting this blog every day. It seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I just want to take back the entire thing. I feel awful that I let my feelings become known to certain people. I thought it would feel so good to go out with a bang. To "win". For a brief second I really believed we did win.......now I'm not sure what I ever thought we were winning. I feel like I lost a lot. I made people feel bad. I hurt people's feelings. I made people question everything they believed about us. It just sucks! Maybe this doesn't even make sense, but I can't make sense of my own feelings. I got everything I wanted. I wanted them to know that I hated their new album. I wanted them to know that I was not coming to shows because I hated their attitudes sometimes. I wanted them to know that I do want all the attention. OK??? I do. That's all I needed them to know. I do want the fucking attention. There, I said it. It's out in the open.

I hate myself for letting them know all those things.

The only reason I wanted to go out with a bang so badly is because when I "left" Shinedown, they had no idea. I never knew if they wondered why I didn't come back, or if they ever thought about why I wasn't front row. They defined my life for so long and I went out so quietly. It just died one day and I never looked back. SP was so much more than Shinedown to me and I couldn't just let it die quietly. But it should have :(

To be completely blunt, I guess what got me so pissed about the attention thing is that I've put my entire life into following/supporting SP but most of the time I don't even know if they notice. And then, last summer Jenn and I spent some time following Chevelle and after only like 5 shows we were on their freaking tour bus hanging out like we were old friends. What the hell???

I guess I just thought we should be further with SP by now. That is such an awful thing to say, but I just wanted to move beyond fans and onto friends. I thought we could be friends with Emma. That's stupid to say now. Whatever. I'm done with my rant. I'm trying to move on. It's not as easy as I once thought it would be. But life is going on. The school year is going to get busy and soon it will be next summer. Maybe we will go have fun with Chevelle and start to forget this whole happened. Maybe it will continue to weigh on my heart and we will make the brave decision to try another SP show (probably from the back row this time). Only time will tell, but the only thing I can say is that I am truly sorry for everything and how this all turned out. It was only our faults and you never should have known what goes on in our heads. 

Amanda